


MacIntyre vs. The Cats

by systemcat



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Cats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 15:13:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3330563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/systemcat/pseuds/systemcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To George MacIntyre's perspective the Red Dwarf has been a really boring place to be for the last five thousand years. For not having a crew & only Holly for company. So to get away from Holly ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	MacIntyre vs. The Cats

**Author's Note:**

> First fan fiction written outside of a virtual series being made at the same time this first hit the net back in '08.

"George, Where are you? I can't track you visionary through the lower decks." Holly demanded from a video monitor unseen. As George MacIntyre strode briskly down a whining stairwell, dimly lit to the cargo & processing area of the massive mining ship. The Red Dwarf.

The ship was over a five millennial old, it once had a crew of a thousand men and women. It was commissioned for service by the Jupiter Mining Cooperation with an AI computer to run the whole ship named Holly. His only companion for the last five millennial, he needed a break from the computer. It couldn't psychically happen true. MacIntyre was a hologram, generated from the ship.

He could keep quiet though. He'd had enough of chess, enough of watching vids, enough of trying to keep the AI's memory banks active with trivia of who had played best in the Luna golfing torments from 2207 to 2330. Holly had no interest in the lower decks and had made the Scutters disconnect his motioring circuits down there ages ago. Down here, MacIntyre could be completely alone and with the size of the vessel, he cold explore the lowers decks for weeks of he acted lazily about it. Yes, completely alone for the first time since the terrible accident that killed off the whole of the crew. He missed them but then they were just a faint memory to him now.

All but one of them had died but he was no fun to be around. David Lister, was in stasis and couldn't be brought out of it until the radiation that had killed the crew had dropped to a safe background level for Human life. Besides even if he got bored and asked Holly to take Lister out of stasis they'd have nothing to talk about in the hour Lister would have of life before he'd succumb to the radioactivity & die. He didn't know a thing about the man.

MacIntyre was now nearing the end of his journey into the depths of the ship, the final two stairs. Freedom. He gave a jump to the lower deck that awaited him, with a complete passing of the final two steps.

"Who goes there!"

He looked around himself in stock. That wasn't Holly's voice, not even the female one the AI had some times adopted for no reason at all. This was a stranger's voice.

MacIntyre took on fear for the first time since his death and answered to the voice. "Geor - George MacIntyre, ship's -." He'd forgotten his rank.

An air duck he had not noticed upon entering this deck had it's face plate removed and shinning his torch into it he could see the source of the voice. It had yellow eyes that shared back at him and it asked him from the darkness concealing it. "Why did you scare off my prey?"

"Your - your prey?"

The yellow eyed creature emerged from the air duck. It looked like some one had built a cat or maybe a man for that manner, up to four feet high. A mutt of an animal with fur covering select areas of the face, a nose that seemed to connect to the upper mouth lightly, whiskers and a short tail. It was wearing a silver Victorian styled overcoat with gold buttons and white lance. It held a baseball bat in one forepaw. "The mouse, you scared off my mouse, monkey man!"

"I'm um sorry, I didn't know there where any mice down here."

"How could you not? They go up to the hight of three crates."

A mouse the hight of three crates. The crates the ship long ago had daily filled with 60 pounds of rock per unit. Three feet by three feet in size to store 60 pounds of rock. The mice were nine feet high. As this thought went through MacIntyre's mind he now knew the man-cat had good reason to be holding a baseball bat. And now knowing what he'd gotten himself into by going to the lower decks, he wished he had a baseball bat too for use.

 

End of Chapter One.

Chapter Two.

 

There were more of them, dozens, hundreds, MacIntyre had no idea to what extent the felines the took up of the lower half of the ship but they had constructed a city. Passing by their wooden and medal shacks made from former packing boxes. Some of the man-cats looked to him with wonder, others with a look of food. He hoped that those cats only wished he had a can opener on hand to dish it out to them and not that he'd be the meal. A silly thought to himself. If they did try to pounce on him the best they could hope for was getting his light-bee that was projecting him, and eat it. No longer a silly thought. He didn't want his projector running though their inners.

His companion, the man-cat he'd met when entering the lower decks whose name he now knew was "Slayer of Fish prince of deck 40 the provider of lose wires that open locked areas". The quickly preferred name by MacIntyre to use on him, "Clover" hissed at many of the other man-cats while walking with the baseball bat which he was using as a cane for balance.

"Clover, they're hurt going to hurt me, aren't they?"

"That depends, I needed that mouse for them and your the one who scared it off."

Moving in closer to Clover and giving the other man-cats a more weary eye. "What does it depend on?" He asked quickly.

Clover stopped walking and turning to MacIntyre with a grin as George shared at him with puzzled wonder of his own. "Give us the meaning behind the holy writings passed down to us from the beginning."

"Excuse me?"

The cats perked their ears towards the two of them and began to move in on Clover and MacIntyre. This subject was of great interest to them. The holy writings had belonged to Closter who had helped their Holy Mother give life to their race. The writings were the key to understanding what direction must be the right path to take in life to their promised land.

"You look to have been made in the image of our god, Closter. He entrusted the holy writings to our Holy Mother long ago and they have yet to be read properly."

And in a wave of fear, in thinking about the morality behind what was being asked of him,"Oh god!"

"Exactly!"

A game of chess would be just the thing right now, reading the Adventures of Magic Wonder Bear "Teddy the Hero" a book meant for the age range of four through six. Would have been just right right now also. But acting as a priest to a town made up of Human-like house cats. "I can't read your holy writings."

"Then kill the mouse." Clover demanded, presenting the baseball bat to MacIntyre.

A nine foot tall mouse he thought again. "Show me the writings."

 

End of Chapter Two.

Chapter three.

 

"Oh for the love of heaven and hell!" MacIntyre exclaimed bolting his head back with sudden shock of the foul oder before him.

Five thousand years, it had been five thousand years since Red Dwarf had had a living crew member walking about the ship and being able to wash laundry for that matter! He knew despite the man-cats love for clothes of fancy dress & flare, these seven socks and one shirt couldn't have been property of them. They had once belonged to some crew member that was long dead and had never washed them before dieing. In fact they smelled like they had never been washed to begin with even when the person had been alive.

Looking confused by the man who looked to have been made in the image of his god, Clover asked, "The writings did they say some thing of bad prophecy to you?"

"They're not writings, they're odors of god knows what besides foul smelling feet and sweat!"

One of the man-cats that had been paying close attention to the ordeal at hand came forward to confront the pair, but mainly MacIntyre for his distress towards what the man-cat could only some how guess was a lack of knowledge over feline culture. "We read by smells. How could you not know such a thing like that?"

And then George broke, "Because I wasn't made in the image of your god! I am not a servant of him and I'm not even sure there is such a thing as a god for cats or for men after having smelled that pile of dirty laundry!"

And then he quickly regretted his words at the cold stares being given to him by every man-cat in sight and very possibly to every man-cat unseen that had heard him shout that last remark that he had in rage shouted loud enough for the whole of the deck to hear. He looked at Clover with a wide-eyed look of not knowing what action would next follow in the next few seconds. Whether to be made by Clover, or by the other man-cats, or by him fleeing to the nearest elevator or stairwell.

"Are you done?" Clover asked.

"There's more to life you know than this? Like traveling to near by planets and moons we pass? We could pass the time that way? I - I'm sure your god Closter would approve of that?"

The man-cat that had spoken before the outburst took both of MacIntyre's hands in his paws and with a deeply pleased smile stated, "But that is what Closter wants us to do. He wants us to seek out our promised land of Fushal that is on some world distance from here."

He gave a second look to the pile of dirty clothes. The clothes had the answer, the cat's answer to their leave of the ship. What he feared to get close to, contained the way to get rid of them. Now he felt relief at his predicament. This could all get resolved fast and hopefully without him fainting or having his light-bee being eaten. "Ok I was playing with you", then turning his attention to what he hoped would be all the man-cats, "I was able to read your holy writings! They have told me the answer you seek!"

Clover and the other man-cat awaited the next statement to be made. Their answer, the answer their kind had been waiting for through out the whole of their history. They stared at MacIntyre with a look that he'd only seen before in normal house cats when you held some thing dead they felt would be a tastily treat. His mouth went dry and then fell open at the glaze. "It's a star chart."

Releasing MacIntyre's hands from his paws the man-cat asked, "Tell us what it says! We have never been able to clearly read the holy writings to make a flight plan!"

"How about I do you all one better?"

This was Clover's day in the sun beam. He'd found a man who had been made in their god's image. He found a man who could read the holy writings and knew how to answer correctly what they said, "And what would that be!?"

As proudly as he could state it and as loudly as he could for all the man-cats to hear, George shouted, "I'll make sure you all have ships with which you can take your journey to Fushal!"

 

End of Chapter Three.

Chapter four.

 

While many of the man-cats were curious about MacIntyre's claim this would get them on their way to Fushal, only a few of them followed him up through the decks of the ship to see the ships he had promised them.

"This place doesn't smell right!" Clover said in a low voice, poking him nose randomly into the air as they moved up a stairwell to deck 19. They being Clover, MacIntyre & "The tabby of orange and black stripes who can make the most tasty donuts in town": Duncan, and "The one that has yet to kill a mouse and has the shortest whiskers & worse breath": Snowflake.

With a bit of surprise at hearing this MacIntyre turned to the group following him and said, "You can smell what's wrong here?"

Snowflake grabbed at his tail and started eying every thing, "You said we'd only have an hour up here, some thing is wrong, its in the air and it wants us."

Returning his attention to the approach to deck 19, "That would be death. I have to get the lot of you into Starbug One quickly before the radiation takes you."

Duncan shouting, "You never said any thing in town about this mission being dangerous!"

Back to the upper decks, the ones most of the crew had called home back when the ship had been in her prime. The group was now at deck 19 where they, the upper decks: started. Holly noticed that not only had his chess companion returned but he'd brought with him life signs to boot. A monitor snapped into life as Holly inquisitively took in the sight his sensors questioned at from where they had originated.

"Now where'd you lot come from?" Holly asked the man-cats.

MacIntyre answered for them, "I'm not sure but I think some one or ones from the dead crew might have owned a cat or two at some point eons ago."

Clover stepped up to the monitor Holly's image was being displayed on and pointing backwards from himself to MacIntyre, "Can you tell us the fastest way we can get to these ships this man of god's image calls "starbugs"?"

Holly looked to MacIntyre now more puzzled than when he'd noticed the bio-signs of the cats, "In the image of god?"

"Their god," looking sheepish George then continued, "don't ask me to explain because I can't."

This was a waste of time. He knew the cats would be of an interest to Holly, he knew the computer longed to bore them to dead the same way the Holly had done so to him which is what had lead him to the lower decks to begin with. No false. Holly had not bored him to death. What had killed him was losing a bet with a crew member over the manner of 'which was more dangerous an insult given to one of the inmates on deck 13 or getting hammered with one bottle of Baxter's hooch?' He had to get them away from Holly and for his own personal pleasure off the ship. Turning to the group of felines and completely disregarding Holly's ever questioning look, "I know the fastest way, now lets continue!"

Duncan and Snowflake refused to take even one step.

Clover looked to them and asked, "Whats wrong?"

Snowflake began to backup towards the steps leading back down towards the lower decks, still holding on to the railing, "Some thing is out there and it's going to kill us!"

Now Holly had some thing to break the ice with for getting to know the man-cats, "He never told you about the radiation did he? That isn't a real 'it' is it? I mean its through out the whole of the ship, so that would mean it is the ship." The computer began to catch a flaw in his own reasoning and stated in response to himself, "then how are you here?"

Clover answered the wondering computer, "We live in the lower decks. It must be safe there."

Even more confused by the situation of the man-cats presents, Holly asked, "Then what are you doing up here!? Have you all lost your marbles? You could be dead within minutes up here!"

This thing, this face built into the wall was now getting on Clover's nerves. MacIntyre was his god's servant and a servant of Closer would never do harm to his people. The face was wrong and had to be. Clover stated coldly to the face, "He has read the holy writings, our star chart that will lead us to our promised land of Fushal! George MacIntyre means us no harm!"

Sure the one in the sliver coat didn't like him but Holly knew he still had a chance of winning over the other two new comers. He'd state the truth to the man-cats, "He's lying, he can't read your holy writings."

MacIntyre was shunned by Holly's betrayal for his lack of knowledge and quickly took up to defending his lack of it for his wish to get rid of the cats, "I can so!"

Holly knew George too well and knew he had to be lying over the matter, "Then explain to me how is it you know their written language? I'd love to hear it because I know every thing you knew in life from your disk in the holographic simulation suite."

All the man-cats turned their attention on MacIntyre at once, he had to say his mind. He'd had enough, "So I lied," remembering earlier, "again. It's for the good of you all I help you fulfill your religious belief."

Snowflake returning to being on the deck asked, "Why would you, a servant of god lie to try & help us pursue our journey to the promised land of Fushal?"

Five thousand years of Holly, a few hours with these "cats". The truth had to be said at last, "Because I want you off this ship! Because I've had it with you", turning to Holly, "and I've had it with you! I'm tired of playing chess, watching vids & keeping your memory banks active!"

Duncan and Clover joined snowflake by the stairs. Now they'd had enough & Clover spoke for all of them before they began their descent to the lower decks addressing both George and Holly, "We will find a way to read the holy writings one day and pursue our journey into the depths of space to find our promised land." Clover turned to only look at MacIntyre now in finishing his final statement to him ever, "using our "own ships" we've made."

Alone with Holly again, could things get any worse today. He turned to the computer and grinned. Holly how ever didn't and he could see the computer's mood wasn't in it's usual bright nature. He had to ask why, "Some thing the matter?"

"You don't like my company?"

The lower decks? Na, not longer a good idea knowing what would be awaiting him down there. "I thought I made that clear."

"No you didn't."

"Why do you think I went to the lower decks to begin with?! It was to get away from you micro-chip brain! I'm sick of you!" If that didn't make the fact sink into Holly he didn't know what would.

Holly thought he could win the fight of words with the one crew member he'd known far longer than any other. Logic would be the key, "Now what would you do without me then? You can't go back down there to the cats."

"I - I'd be away from you."

Smeg, MacIntyre had won the fight of words. He'd gotten the best of the computer. His logic was more key than Holly's, "so you don't want to be with me do you?"

"Yes!"

"Find then," and with that Holly ordered the Scutters to turn off MacIntyre's hologram from the holographic simulation suite. Now he wasn't with Holly who was built into the ship.

The End


End file.
